A rainbow underneath gray cloudy skies, casting light on a serene landscape. I have to say this is a good depiction of my life right now. Most of you know that I'm the type of person that has to get things out. I need to talk out my issues for me to figure out how to deal with them. Generally that involves anyone that will listen. Each person I tell lessens the stress and worry a little bit more. Some people frown upon sharing "your business" with other people. I'm the opposite. I feel like if I want to truly let people in my life, I should let them all the way in, thus forming stronger bonds. Grab a coffee or tea folks, this one is going to take awhile.

    I don't think I have ever encountered this crazy of a roller coaster of emotions in my 26 years on this Earth. The number of things on my mind at the present moment are turning me into a basket case, full of happiness, worry, stress, excitement, fear, uncertainty, sadness, longing, reflection, and a change in perspective. This wonderful soul of mine is deciding on her own that self discovery is going to be mandatory and it is going to happen now whether I like it or not. I have a nice little voice in my mind that is navigating my thoughts, telling me what it's time to work on now. (Don't worry folks it's not schizophrenia... hehe)
     I'm being faced with a potential MAJOR medical issue. I've had some problems ever since I had Lexi, I just never did get back to feeling "right". I've of course pushed it aside, thinking it would eventually work itself out... and much to my disappointment it's getting worse instead. To make a very long list short I've had a multitude of symptoms, the worst of the lot are blinding headaches that I've had CONSTANTLY for the last 2 weeks, I started noticing more frequent headaches in July, but they've just gotten stronger and stronger and don't go away even briefly. Add to that constant severe fatigue and you've got one crappy day lol. I've had a thyroid test (came back normal), and now I'm waiting on a CT scan of my brain. Um let me just tell you in case you didn't know, "we want to check your brain for any mass or fluid causing pressure" is not something that you are going to remain calm about. I thought for sure the eye doctor was being dramatic, but to my surprise after meeting with my primary care dr, he seconded this, and gave me the referral. Brain scan?? WHAT?? Sure sure, it's a precaution, to rule out big issues. BUT, the fact that it's on the table as a possible diagnosis is life shattering. I'm holding my composure rather well I think, I understand tumors and such are very rare. BUT there has to be someone that gets them otherwise we wouldn't be talking about them right? While everyone else is having a blast with their three day weekend I will be biting my nails (metaphorically thank goodness lol) waiting for Tuesday morning's CT scan. 
      Just for kicks and to emphasize my inner emotional roller coaster, lets talk about a "rainbow" issue happening to me now. I went in today to present my speech entry to try and obtain a spot as the student speaker at the GED commencement ceremony. I was one of the three they narrowed it down to. I was very nervous when I got there, and was talking to the staff. All of a sudden the director of the GED program at Gwinnett Tech tells me that she forgot to tell me but I'm the class Valedictorian!! SAY WHAT??? I think my actual response was "that's cool" haha I was surprised. She said "Yeah, you scored higher than anyone else that took the test in the 2011-2012 test year." Me?? She then goes on to tell me that I get a special medal and extra tassel, and will be listed as the valedictorian. Um coolest thing EVER! That just made this accomplishment so much more special to me. I've spent my life doubting myself and my self worth. Today I was validated as "special" (ya'll hush, no special ed jokes). All my life I've wanted to prove to myself that I AM SOMEBODY, that I'm actually worth more than failure. I rocked the speech presentation and q & a, and got a callback within an hour with an invitation to give my speech as Valedictorian. (can ya'll tell I like this title...? hehehe) I left the office beaming with more pride than I've ever felt in my life. I'd finally proven to myself what so many others had been telling me. I deserve this. I truly believe this now.
      Roller coaster dip #2- annnnnnd back down I go.... Jaden went to the doctor last week, and while we were talking about her cramp issue (for those who don't know she's been having what I assumed was a menstrual type cramp situation monthly for the last year and a half, but hasn't started her cycle). Her doctor asked about the development of breast tissue, and when I said that just started a month or two ago (jeez right? when did she get this old??) he got concerned. They shouldn't start signs of menstruation until AFTER the start of breast tissue, like 6 months to 2 years after, under NO circumstance should it start a year and a half BEFORE. In the last few months it's gotten to the point I'm giving her Midol, and she needs a heating pad. He got even more concerned so now she has to see a gynecologist. Um luckily for you ladies out that that just winced, they won't do an internal exam, they will use labs and ultrasound and such, but yikes. She should be worried about Justin Bieber and riding her bike, and writing song lyrics about loving her daddy. Not womanly issues that she isn't old enough to understand. Are you starting to see why I'm ready to leave the theme park for awhile??
     Ready for another uphill climb? School is going pretty well for me. I'm starting to find my groove in my classes. I've never knew 4-5 years could be such an age difference, but I guess it's my life situation. I've become the "lady" that knows all about what the homework was, and has a pen you can borrow. Lol I guess this is better than my original fear of not being able to make friends. And you know, I think I wouldn't know what to do if it went any other way. I've spent my entire life being the mother hen. I feel a maternal bond to my four younger siblings, I have 3 kids of my own, and I just find myself drawn to helping kids in any way I can. This is how I know my major is the right choice for me. Nothing gives me more joy than being a mom, and sharing my love of coloring, reading, crafts, oh and just my love. I knew when I was little that I wanted to be a teacher, and I've never faltered from that desire. Sure I've entertained other ideas, but in the end I knew this would be the career for me. I'm not sure I'm doing everything right in my English class, our professor is a bit vague, but hopefully my first essay is within the gist of what I was supposed to do. My human geography professor is a challenge because of her extremely thick Romanian accent, but I find each lecture makes it a hair easier to know what she's saying. Math 99 is fine, I'm almost ready to retake my compass, and if I pass it this time I can stop going to class for the rest of this semester for math. History.... ah history. It's my least favorite. I definitely won't be taking any electives there lol. As a whole, school is an enjoyable experience. 
     Add to these trying to see if a friendship is repairable, adjusting to life with full time school and full time household, the stress of everything, the unknown on my medical issues- and the fact that by 10 am I'm ready to go back to bed, everything is just taking a toll on me a little bit. But every day I just try to stand a little bit taller... (at 5'0" that's hard to do!)

I'll leave you today with two of my "songs of the moment" The Best is Yet to Come by Hinder, and The Good Life by One Republic. I think my next tattoo will center around the lyric "the best is yet to come" but that is another post for another day
~Til next time~ ~K

Day 1~ College Experience

"You've shown up to a writing class, and you haven't got a pen or paper? Oh dear we are off to a nice start aren't we?" (spoken in a British accent) 

      Of course this wasn't directed at me... I came prepared with enough supplies for half the class hehe. I knew going into this that there would be mass amounts of "kids" aged 18+, but I've never felt so much older than those kids as I did yesterday. 

      I was prepared with all of the necessary books and supplies, minus the two I have on order waiting for them to come in at the campus bookstore. What I couldn't believe was the fact that I was in the EXTREME minority by being prepared. People showed up without a pen or paper. Really folks?? I was asked probably 10 times what "bookstore" I was talking about. Students seemed shocked to find out there was one on campus. Many people in my math class didn't have their sign in information for the computer, the instructor just stood there dumbfounded. I think someone forgot to tell these guys that their moms wouldn't be with them. Hey guys, you might actually have to do some stuff while you are in the school. Needless to say I'm feeling very "mother hen" right now. But you know, isn't that a good thing? After all being a mom is what I know. That kind of sounds weird, but I just mean that helping people, and teaching others just might be the choice I was suppose to make all along. I think it points to a passion that is going to develop over the next 4 years, and one that will make for a great career of fulfillment. 

       I have wanted to be a teacher as far back as I can remember. I entertained a small handful of other ideas that I'd really rather learn more about for personal enrichment- for example: hair coloring, wedding planning, baking... those are things that interest me, but that I don't think I'd like to do on a daily basis. Hobbies that would be fun as a side job here and there, but the truth is I really just want to enhance the lives and education of little kids. I can't wait to tell them the first day of school that my name is Mrs. Green- just like the color... and hear them giggle because it's silly. I can't yet imagine the payoff I'll be getting the moment I see the "light bulb" click on in little Suzy's eyes as she finally gets a new concept. I want to make a difference out there in the world. 

    I have a lot to learn. How do you use a semicolon properly? When are you suppose to use whom instead of who.... How exactly do you teach a child to read? When was the War of 1812? (Just kidding... hehe even I can figure out that one...) but you get the idea. 

        We were asked in English to take out a piece of paper and write about why we are "here". The only thing you couldn't say was "to get a job/make money/get an education"- because of course you are here for that. After writing we got in groups of four to read ours aloud to the group. After we all read we were to select one that would be read to the entire class. Our group chose mine almost immediately after reading them all. I was surprised. Here are these three girls- none of which are a day over 20, and they all instantly think what I had to say was the best. (I like all of theirs, and didn't even get in on the vote). The deal was whoever got picked didn't have to read their own. So since they picked mine one of the other girls had to opt to read it aloud. Group one goes- the guy reads probably 2 sentences. Basically "I'm here because its what I'm doing", group 2 goes and it's just a tad longer, basically he elaborates on education. My turn. I feel instantly weird because I'm the only one with kids and I wrote personal info not knowing we were reading aloud.  The girl starts reading mine and to sum it up I said that I'm here to accomplish something I can be proud of. That my family is filled with high school dropouts. That I am a mother of three children and I want to teach them that you can do anything you set your mind to no matter what choices you've made. That I've never felt capable or deserving of doing this. But that I was going to to end the cycle of dropouts, and to be proud of me. 

      The room was silent. When the girl stops reading the instructor (in his super cool British accent, making it sound way cooler and more important) says "wow, you've got three kids, and you're gonna give this a go? Wow, that's really commendable, that's inspiring there. How old are your kids?" I answer, "10,7 and 18 months." "18 months?? so you've got to go home, do your homework, help two kids with their homework and take care of a baby?" he says. I say "yes, it's going to be hard..." so he tells me "you stick with this. That's great, three kids. See folks you can all do this." Self doubt is getting harder to have with all of you fantastic people here to lift me up.

       English was the end of the day (thank God for his accent that spices things up a bit, because usually I find English and History to be the most boring... I know I know. terrible.) The rest of the day was ok. Math 99 is to my delight basically independent study, we did an assessment and so I'm only working on what I don't know, instead of relearning everything. History was... well... history. My bigger concern is Human Geography. My instructor is from Romania. Like- only been here 8 years or so... her accent is so thick I'm not sure I'll understand a darn word. That concerns me, she posts power points for us to print of her lectures, so I'm hoping that I can read along, or that over time I become accustomed to the accent and just learn how to interpret it. Oh and it's basically another "history" class... or falls in the same type of category. Blah lol. Who knows, maybe now that I'm older and actually care it will become more interesting. After all my priorities have changed. Getting a note passed to someone, or seeing a cute guy after class is no longer my number one school day "To-Do"s. 

    So there you have it folks, day 1. 

~Til next time ~K

10 Years Later.....

It's been ten years since I dropped out of high school. During the last decade I've given birth to three beautiful children, found a wonderful husband, and put myself on the back burner while taking care of everyone else. I've let my own goals and dreams fade into the background, silenced my own voice. Something about 2012 has lit a spark for me. I've decided to believe in myself. I've decided to get out there and do whatever it takes to accomplish the things I want in life. I have decided to break my shell and venture out into this great world!

I took my GED test earlier this year, after 10 years of being afraid to fail. Last week I received an invitation to attend the 2012 commencement at the Gwinnett Center. I spent a day or two deciding if I wanted to do this, I had a devil's advocate battle internally. On one hand I felt a little silly. It's just a GED right? I was suppose to graduate 8 years ago, do I really want my tassel to say '12? Is anyone going to want to attend to watch me "graduate"? On the other hand, this is an accomplishment. Of course it isn't "just a GED", its the start to taking control of my life. A statement to everyone else but more importantly myself, that I CAN do this, and nothing will stop me. Hanging that tassel with '12 on my rear view mirror will signify the year I decided my life is actually about me as well, that I can't just spend all of my time worrying about everyone else while I fade away. 

So I guess you know what I decided. Today I marched into that GED office with my $75 in hand, my filled in form, and a copy of my speech. What speech you ask? The letter that was sent to me said that if you would like to be a student speaker at the commencement you can submit a 5-10 minute speech for consideration. I had one person read and edit it and I was overwhelmed by her response. She loved it! I makes my heart sing to find that so many of you find me to be inspirational. So here goes nothing, I'm going to let you all in on a little bit of me. This is the speech I've written for the commencement ceremony. I'm not sure when they notify the ones that are chosen, but I will let you know when I do! 

~Til next time  ~K

     Eckhart Tolle once said, “The past has no power over the present moment”.   All of us here today have overcome obstacles to get to where we are.  I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone for allowing me to share a bit about my experience, as I’m sure others can relate their stories here as well. We have accomplished something great here today. Not only have we received our GED certificates, but we’ve taken back our lives. We have decided to stand up and acknowledge that we deserve the best of what this life has to offer. We have put aside our past, worked hard and achieved this great thing for the present, and set off on a path for a better future.

    At 16 years old I was already a high school dropout, and a mother to a little girl. I decided that because of my nontraditional path I had ruined my ability to get anywhere in life. I told myself that it was too late for me, that I didn‘t deserve anything more. At 18 years old I had a second child and got divorced within the year. I was living with my mom and couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I worked overnight jobs, but I couldn’t figure out how I would ever do any better than that. Luckily I would find later on, that anything is possible as long as you put in the effort.

    Fast forward 10 years and it brings me to 2012. I’ve remarried a great man and had a third child. I have pushed any thoughts of education far from my mind because I’m a stay at home mother, and I feel guilty about taking any time away from my kids and my household. I started out 2012 doing things I’d never done before: I went kayaking for the first time and overcame my fear of the outdoors, I stood in the ocean; something I’d never really done because I’ve always been afraid of what I can’t see in the water, I started actually LIVING life and it was exciting. I started talking about getting my GED but I was afraid. As a child I was in gifted classes, always scored several grade levels above my class on tests, what if I failed? My sister in law came to me and told me that I should take the test. She encouraged me saying that I deserve to make something of myself. She told me that it doesn’t matter what choices you made in the past, the ones that matter are the ones you make now. She made me believe that I deserve to better myself, and that I owe it to my children to show them that there is no obstacle too great to climb. By doing it myself I will show them how important it is to get an education and how you can conquer anything if you just try hard enough. I took the math portion of the test first and had a small break. I was so nervous I was pacing the GED office, until the staff member at the desk noticed. She said, “Why are you nervous? You scored at the 98th percentile on your math test, calm down and go finish.” I was overwhelmed with pride! That moment gave me the confidence to plan my future!

    After receiving my GED certificate in the mail I put it in a frame. I always thought before that it was “just a GED” and no big deal. Today that piece of paper signifies the moment I stood up and took control of my life. I didn’t just give up and forget about me. I am currently enrolled in my first semester at a four year college, on the road to obtaining my degree in Early Childhood Education. I want to teach children from an early age that education is important, and that they can accomplish anything they set their minds to. I can not wait for the day I get to walk across the stage to receive that degree. I encourage all of my fellow GED graduates here today to take the road with me. No one says it is going to be easy, but it will be worth it!

    No matter what happened in your past you have the ability to change your future. Nothing is set in stone. All it takes is time and effort and knowing that we are worth it. I hope all of my peers leave here today empowered with pride and the initiative to continue on to a technical college or four year institution, our journey doesn’t have to stop here today. Congratulations on taking back your lives!