A rainbow underneath gray cloudy skies, casting light on a serene landscape. I have to say this is a good depiction of my life right now. Most of you know that I'm the type of person that has to get things out. I need to talk out my issues for me to figure out how to deal with them. Generally that involves anyone that will listen. Each person I tell lessens the stress and worry a little bit more. Some people frown upon sharing "your business" with other people. I'm the opposite. I feel like if I want to truly let people in my life, I should let them all the way in, thus forming stronger bonds. Grab a coffee or tea folks, this one is going to take awhile.

    I don't think I have ever encountered this crazy of a roller coaster of emotions in my 26 years on this Earth. The number of things on my mind at the present moment are turning me into a basket case, full of happiness, worry, stress, excitement, fear, uncertainty, sadness, longing, reflection, and a change in perspective. This wonderful soul of mine is deciding on her own that self discovery is going to be mandatory and it is going to happen now whether I like it or not. I have a nice little voice in my mind that is navigating my thoughts, telling me what it's time to work on now. (Don't worry folks it's not schizophrenia... hehe)
     I'm being faced with a potential MAJOR medical issue. I've had some problems ever since I had Lexi, I just never did get back to feeling "right". I've of course pushed it aside, thinking it would eventually work itself out... and much to my disappointment it's getting worse instead. To make a very long list short I've had a multitude of symptoms, the worst of the lot are blinding headaches that I've had CONSTANTLY for the last 2 weeks, I started noticing more frequent headaches in July, but they've just gotten stronger and stronger and don't go away even briefly. Add to that constant severe fatigue and you've got one crappy day lol. I've had a thyroid test (came back normal), and now I'm waiting on a CT scan of my brain. Um let me just tell you in case you didn't know, "we want to check your brain for any mass or fluid causing pressure" is not something that you are going to remain calm about. I thought for sure the eye doctor was being dramatic, but to my surprise after meeting with my primary care dr, he seconded this, and gave me the referral. Brain scan?? WHAT?? Sure sure, it's a precaution, to rule out big issues. BUT, the fact that it's on the table as a possible diagnosis is life shattering. I'm holding my composure rather well I think, I understand tumors and such are very rare. BUT there has to be someone that gets them otherwise we wouldn't be talking about them right? While everyone else is having a blast with their three day weekend I will be biting my nails (metaphorically thank goodness lol) waiting for Tuesday morning's CT scan. 
      Just for kicks and to emphasize my inner emotional roller coaster, lets talk about a "rainbow" issue happening to me now. I went in today to present my speech entry to try and obtain a spot as the student speaker at the GED commencement ceremony. I was one of the three they narrowed it down to. I was very nervous when I got there, and was talking to the staff. All of a sudden the director of the GED program at Gwinnett Tech tells me that she forgot to tell me but I'm the class Valedictorian!! SAY WHAT??? I think my actual response was "that's cool" haha I was surprised. She said "Yeah, you scored higher than anyone else that took the test in the 2011-2012 test year." Me?? She then goes on to tell me that I get a special medal and extra tassel, and will be listed as the valedictorian. Um coolest thing EVER! That just made this accomplishment so much more special to me. I've spent my life doubting myself and my self worth. Today I was validated as "special" (ya'll hush, no special ed jokes). All my life I've wanted to prove to myself that I AM SOMEBODY, that I'm actually worth more than failure. I rocked the speech presentation and q & a, and got a callback within an hour with an invitation to give my speech as Valedictorian. (can ya'll tell I like this title...? hehehe) I left the office beaming with more pride than I've ever felt in my life. I'd finally proven to myself what so many others had been telling me. I deserve this. I truly believe this now.
      Roller coaster dip #2- annnnnnd back down I go.... Jaden went to the doctor last week, and while we were talking about her cramp issue (for those who don't know she's been having what I assumed was a menstrual type cramp situation monthly for the last year and a half, but hasn't started her cycle). Her doctor asked about the development of breast tissue, and when I said that just started a month or two ago (jeez right? when did she get this old??) he got concerned. They shouldn't start signs of menstruation until AFTER the start of breast tissue, like 6 months to 2 years after, under NO circumstance should it start a year and a half BEFORE. In the last few months it's gotten to the point I'm giving her Midol, and she needs a heating pad. He got even more concerned so now she has to see a gynecologist. Um luckily for you ladies out that that just winced, they won't do an internal exam, they will use labs and ultrasound and such, but yikes. She should be worried about Justin Bieber and riding her bike, and writing song lyrics about loving her daddy. Not womanly issues that she isn't old enough to understand. Are you starting to see why I'm ready to leave the theme park for awhile??
     Ready for another uphill climb? School is going pretty well for me. I'm starting to find my groove in my classes. I've never knew 4-5 years could be such an age difference, but I guess it's my life situation. I've become the "lady" that knows all about what the homework was, and has a pen you can borrow. Lol I guess this is better than my original fear of not being able to make friends. And you know, I think I wouldn't know what to do if it went any other way. I've spent my entire life being the mother hen. I feel a maternal bond to my four younger siblings, I have 3 kids of my own, and I just find myself drawn to helping kids in any way I can. This is how I know my major is the right choice for me. Nothing gives me more joy than being a mom, and sharing my love of coloring, reading, crafts, oh and just my love. I knew when I was little that I wanted to be a teacher, and I've never faltered from that desire. Sure I've entertained other ideas, but in the end I knew this would be the career for me. I'm not sure I'm doing everything right in my English class, our professor is a bit vague, but hopefully my first essay is within the gist of what I was supposed to do. My human geography professor is a challenge because of her extremely thick Romanian accent, but I find each lecture makes it a hair easier to know what she's saying. Math 99 is fine, I'm almost ready to retake my compass, and if I pass it this time I can stop going to class for the rest of this semester for math. History.... ah history. It's my least favorite. I definitely won't be taking any electives there lol. As a whole, school is an enjoyable experience. 
     Add to these trying to see if a friendship is repairable, adjusting to life with full time school and full time household, the stress of everything, the unknown on my medical issues- and the fact that by 10 am I'm ready to go back to bed, everything is just taking a toll on me a little bit. But every day I just try to stand a little bit taller... (at 5'0" that's hard to do!)

I'll leave you today with two of my "songs of the moment" The Best is Yet to Come by Hinder, and The Good Life by One Republic. I think my next tattoo will center around the lyric "the best is yet to come" but that is another post for another day
~Til next time~ ~K